I AM HERE

At times, I find myself overwhelmed by the amount that others seem to produce - in all categories ---- marriage, career, motherhood, community, and so many others. 

After more than a decade of hustling through a bachelors degree, than a masters degree, and then finally working in my career of choice for five years, the silence of my non-production is both deafening and edifying. I've been so focused on the destination that I've forgotten what it feels like to savor the journey. 

But silence is golden; breakthrough inevitable. And sometimes, pausing is more important than production. Because it's here, in the pause, that we often have the opportunity to become pregnant - with a question, or the answer, or an opportunity. It is the minute we might need to take the next breath that will send us forward in momentum. It's the space that we find our feet, our anchor, and our foundation- enabling us to grow into our hearts, into better human beings. 

Wondering what season I'm in? It's here. In the pause. 

I'm looking outward, inward and chatting with the sky; literally planting myself in motherhood, in being wife, and in taking a big breath to prepare myself -so that I may give more and take less. 

In this season, I'm taking delight in endless amounts of coffee, crumbs and late night nursing. I'm ignoring the dirty dishes stacked in the kitchen sink and the makeup on my face from the night before. I'm finding God in play dates, at parks, and in the aisles of Costco. I'm church hunting, priority shifting, and eating lots of humble pie (and donuts, because they taste better.) I'm dying to offense, pride, and my selfish desires. I'm accepting new opportunities and learning new friends. I'm becoming a cheerleader, an encourager, and an assistant. I'm taking risks, dreaming, and loving hard. I'm both in transition and anchored. I'm both on the sidelines and running my own race. I'm learning to love myself for who I am versus what I do and what I actually accomplish in this life - because it's not about me, it's about Him. 

I'm not doing what everyone else is doing- and doing what God says instead.  Even when it seems upside down and out of left field. Even when it's hard. Even when it's invisible. Even when it's small. I'm pressing onward, and looking upward. 

My pause isn't a period. Or a question mark. It's the space between one paragraph and another. It's inundated with both freedom and hope. It's where I'm both being poured out, and filled up. Mostly, it's the place where I'm learning more about myself than I ever have. 

It took me a little bit to recognize my season. It took me awhile to identify where at in my story I was. But here I am. I am here.