Anticipation and excitement was abounding. I was in this place of passionate pursuit of all these swirling dreams. Fully confident in my efforts and energy to achieve them in a timely manner, whilst keeping up with all other aspects of life.
I felt on fire. Like my moment was coming where I was going to birth these exciting and life-changing dreams. It all felt right and although it was time-consuming, I was balancing (or juggling) it all.
Then all of sudden, coming from left field, it all halted. An abrupt stop occurred and I had no idea what happened. I was thrown into this tumbleweed that effortlessly floated across the dessert with no real destination in sight.
It happened when the school year began. But our school year is different, because I homeschool. It's our choice, and I love it. I am blessed to be able to do it. But I have to humble myself and admit, I was not ready for it this year. I was unprepared. I must have tricked myself into thinking I could fit it all in. That there were, indeed, enough hours in the day to accomplish all the things.
I was full throttle, full steam ahead into so many little areas of chasing my dreams. Making plans, following them, creating goals and crushing them. It all felt right. And then it stopped. Out of nowhere.
And for weeks, I tried to balance it all. I tried to keep the momentum strong. Putting my relationship with God first in all areas. Doing homeschool, while still chasing my dreams. Housework, working on my marriage, grocery shopping, maintaining my relationships, trying to lose those dang last 7 pounds of baby weight... I was trying to do it all.
And all it left me was more frustrated, more confused, more defeated. Feeling incapable of carrying a load is humbling to say the least. I wasn’t understanding why I couldn’t do it all. The days were flying by and I felt like I was yelling a lot more. Life was feeling out of whack. And a little out of control. I usually had our agenda set for each day, and normally each day is still filled with spontaneity. But at this moment, nothing was free-flowing. Nothing was working. We were just busting our butts to accomplish as much as we could within one day. It was chaos.
First thing I needed to do was admit that this was happening. That I couldn’t do it all. And that God was still right with me, leading me and guiding me. Probably trying to tell me things all along, but I was too consumed with everything to stop and listen.
As my life started to level off, I continued to seek the Lord. My focus started to transition more wholly to our homeschool day. I began having less and less time to write and pursue some of my other passions in life. I was fitting in healthy habits and exercise and the rest of my day was filled with homeschool and what I had left, went to cooking and cleaning. Everything else had to be set aside for a season. I needed to reprioritize my life and pick and choose what HAD to be done every day and everything else needed to remain in a “if time allows” slot.
And then it hit me, I had entered a new season of life. I knew it was coming. I knew our homeschool year was starting in the fall. And yet, mentally and emotionally, I felt everything else would remain the same and I would simply be adding a few homeschool tasks. But that was not the case. Our entire summer routine had changed and we had scheduled curriculum to learn each day. And we all love that we get to be together each day. But I began feeling this frustration that homeschool was taking up a huge chunk of my time during the day. And I was unable to achieve any other tasks.
It was selfish to say the least. Not to mention, this is the path I chose. To be a stay-at-home-mom and to homeschool our children. This, in fact, was my dream. I was living out my dream each and every day. But I was not practicing gratefulness in this area of life. I was not thankful for this sweet opportunity because I felt it was “getting in the way” of all the other things I wanted to do.
I fought that notion for so long. I didn’t want to accept that this was a new season. And ordinarily, I love change. I welcome change. I enjoy new seasons. But my rushing flow of momentum had been brought to a halt and it was unexpected. I was blindsided. But once I accepted this new season, and even just realized I had entered a new season and there were very important tasks at hand- things began to change. And it started in my heart.
I knew that the Lord would lead me into it and through it. That there was no pressure to have a timeline of all these dreams because they would be there waiting when God’s timing called for it. That it may be sprinkled throughout the school year, or even fit into tiny increments in each day. Or that it might mean next summer. Or it might even mean years from now. But right now, I am called to sacrifice some of those dreams for the other calling on my life of mom and teacher. And that was a hard pill to swallow at first. But, I trust the Lord more than my own flesh desires. And I know this season is so important. This is where my priority lies right now.
I truly love embracing new seasons and all that comes with them. Fully knowing how the Lord sanctioned it and has perfect things planned for that timing. Whether good or bad, He is teaching me through them, and growing me to be a better me. For my family, for my friends, for His kingdom.
I’m not sure why this transition of seasons hit me so hard this time. So unforeseen. So abrupt. This swift overflow that caught me off guard from a season I was currently loving and not ready to leave and it swept me up into the current of fierce speed and discipline. Maybe I was thinking I would have accomplished my goals already by this point. Like maybe God was going to let me achieve all I wanted to do before He would move me into the next season. You know, because it always works out perfectly like that?
No, this is another chance for me to learn and grow and balance my life. An opportunity for me to prioritize and trust what Jesus has for me. And that right now, teaching my children is a high priority, and my other dreams must wait. Because this is the current dream I am living right now. And it won’t last forever, so I am called to enjoy this moment as it is. Not looking back and not looking forward, but just being in the now.